I use words like dissociation and concussion to refer to parts of my primary trauma, but I might actually not have had a concussion and I probably don’t dissociate. It’s just so complicated that it’s almost impossible to explain it to anyone. I’ve tried…

I distinguish 2 main traumas in my life. If you consider my life on a timeline, I define the primary one as the combined effects of my depressions, fleeing from tinnitus, burnouts, panic attacks, concussion, fleeing to a small place in my brain and all the secondary issues caused by any of these. I define the secondary one as all my unhelpful patterns around intimacy.

Let the definition of trauma mainly encompass muscles, nerves, tissues, anything else that have become ‘frozen’ from being in the flight/fight for too long. Let it also encompass negative patterns that result from this.

What am I feeling now?

• I have almost completely lost the ability to be consciously aware of my peripheral vision.
• I am constantly aware of big tensions in my jaw, neck, chest, behind my eyes. When I focus on them, they slightly increase in intensity, but I can never really find the root of these tensions. If I focus too long on them, I usually get a panic attack at some point later in the day.
• It feels like I breathe wrong. I can’t seem to properly breathe in my upper chest. A fysio once told me to actually breathe more there. I can do it super actively, but it doesn’t feel very natural. It also hurts a bit when I do it - a seemingly bad hurt.
• Emotions get blocked by the big tension(s). I am mostly aware of the tension and my awareness can’t properly feel and release the emotions.
• I am able to redirect my awareness so that the big tension becomes only a small part of it. It never leaves me though.
• It feels like my actual bones have been malformed. Bent, like in those pictures from people who have been at the computer desk for 30 years. Together with my bones, muscles and tissue have also malformed. The muscles are completely wound up at full tension. Mostly those in my face, neck & upper body. But also many other ones in my whole body to a lesser extent.
• I am fine with being in my reality. My body wisdom tells me my health will deteriorate sooner rather than later. I practice resilience to counter this already a bit.