22

I went to Diemerbos for a mindful walk. I sat down prior to starting. Let me really intentionally start the practice, instead of fleeing by ‘hiding’ in the practice. I’ll just do 30 minutes of mindfulness and then go back to ‘safety’ again.

30 minutes. A timer felt appropriate today. Being able to practice without a timer seems to have enhanced the practice with a timer. A thought passed by: Let me not pretend today. I did not.

The practice ended. I found myself on a hot bridge. A medium burn on my feet. It’s also just a sensation? After a minute I lifted my feet up and back down again. The heat seemed to be released from the pocket it was in.

I went to the circle. Sat down, thought. Away from reality. Back again. I’m here, in this forest. I just came from a practice?

What if I did another one? I feel resistance. But actually I’d like to work with this resistance today. When I started, I felt so grateful. Working with resitance out of self-love instead of out of discipline. This seems to be the path I’m chasing.

Second round was kind of awkward. Less feelings. There were some at some point. I saw a woman in the distance. Humans still have such impact on my NS… Look at her? Ignore her? Vow of silence? People-pleasing? Fake smiles? Weird guy in the forest? Collective suffering? A simple smile from a stranger? My actual discomfort?

I rested with my actual discomfort and sadness. Let me experience that as she walks past. I can look at her without entering the social pattern, but without stopping it either. Let me truly invite her into my being, given the pracitce my being is currently in. Then it’s up to her choice. I still haven’t truly figured this out. But I seem to be getting closer.

The 30 minutes passed. I ran, barefoot. Laid down on a piece of wood. Just let the splinters enter my skin if they do. I don’t care. Will get them out I guess. Am I going home? Yes. The practice has ended. It also never ends. A learning process. Sadness.

24

What is real freedom? To be able to make a conscious choice, in every single moment?

It seems to take an incredible amount of courage to acknowledge that I am truly free. For it means that my choices, made out of subconscious patterns are actually not choices.

I came home and immediately made my breakfast. I didn’t choose whether I actually wanted a salad - those were just the leftovers and since I have a self-belief that I really like eating food efficiently it was a no-brainer for me. But what about my health? My appetite? Why did I make it immediately? Because I wanted a distraction. So now I’m eating as a distraction. I did low-key do a mindful eating practice. But it doesn’t really work unless I go all the way. And I have a self-belief that going all the way all the time will spiral me into mind patterns that are destructive. I have indeed gone through those patterns in the past. But keeping this self-belief as a rigid structure is also preventing me from healing. I do actually experience some feelings while eating that are worth paying attention to, and they are not necessarily related to the eating… I have also already found this out and the quality of the hybrid (mindful eating/allowing distraction out of self-care) seems to improve. The quality of freedom now however - it would require me to be okay with going through the destructive pattern (1 day of mind spiralling) again, so I can feel my way through it and perhaps find new ways out (0.5 day instead of 1) so that the conscious choice resided not in a rigid distraction pattern but it a constant emergence of free choice. I have no idea how to approach this. But I am enjoying the process - I felt exhilarated just now - randomly deciding I would not eat the last 2 spoons of my salad and put it back in the fridge for no reason. The amount of salad did not determine the amount to which I fill my belly today. (or just now, most likely - the subconscious pattern choices CONSTANTLY emerge and I think I’ll stay clear of going insane, at least to the border of maintaining my healthy structures <3)