Why?
Am I a leader?
What does this term even mean?
I’ve climbed a few mountains. When I look over my shoulder, I see the peaks and I wonder how it looked like for me when I was in the valley. Have I really forgotten?
I’ve brought my energy and presence into the world on many occasions. I’ve noticed extraordinary change in my personal relationships, groups and communities I was in. It was often a change of love - felt by not just me but also by the other. At the moment, I am consciously choosing to radiate stronger - and as long as it aligns I will keep on radiating. Does this mean I’m a leader?
I am a frontrunner for unconditional organizing.
Do I think there is actually a need for leadership?
I’m leaning towards ‘Yes’.
I attended a donation based yoga class through radar.squat (underground events in Amsterdam) some years ago. At some point we were told to meditate for a few minutes by the teacher in sitting position. I wanted to be in a different position - so I slightly changed the orientation of my legs. I immediately received an instruction from the teacher to sit in the ‘correct’ position. When I told him I’d rather sit in a different position - he essentially told me I had a choice between leaving the space and doing what he says. I then chose to change my practice from ‘yoga’ to ‘being with unwanted authority’ which was a valuable lesson for me. But I never felt like returning to that class. (He also showed outright anger when I asked him if he was fine with a 0EUR donation.) I personally would have wanted less leadership here (at least for the purpose of doing yoga…).
I attended a masculine/feminine healing workshop at a rainbow gathering in 2024. At some point the men were supposed to sit back to back with the women. A non-binary person then felt triggered by this boxed division. The workshop leaders then allowed a democratic process/discussion to take place on whether it is okay to do this kind of dividing in a workshop. I ended up leaving the workshop after 1 hour of feeling like wasting time / not really getting anywhere. I personally would have wanted more leadership from the workshop leaders here - ‘This is how we designed our workshop and if you disagree, we’re happy to take feedback afterwards.’
I like being led sometimes. Being free of having to make decisions is incredibly relaxing at times and frees up space to work on selfgrowth. Quite a lot of people I’ve met seem to share this.
Perhaps leadership can be fluid. Given presence & reality; you’re always on a range which is subject to change.
What am I bringing into the world?
I think (western bias) that we are all living in a huge trauma. And that most people (understandably) do not accept it. And are therefore living in an illusion. An illusion that creates more trauma and completely disrespects life.
I offer a perspective of radical acceptance and real authenticity that I believe has at least a small chance of healing the world. Which simultaneously manifests love & happiness (not necessarily for the self).
Why?
I was forced onto the spiritual path by significant personal medical trauma. Which forces me to stay on it to this day.
If I stop believing in the potential for the world to heal there is no reason for me to heal personally. Which means I would not have a reason to want to live. I have given up on the world in the past - which links to my major depressions, to no surprise. I think many in this world have given up in some way or another which is a huge energy flow not often spoken about to its full depth.
Am I better than others?
No. I believe quite strongly that I actually don’t feel this energy - I’m not sure I would have been on this path had it not been for my medical trauma. I rely on a pain motivator although I am being drawn in by a love motivator - I hardly expect anyone to find the start sign on this world without some intervention.
How do I even dare to lead with all the personal trauma that I have?
I sincerely hope I am not bringing more trauma into the world. If I notice that this is happening my plan is to stop the events and start fully focussing on my personal relationships. Yes I have extreme trauma - but yes, I also have extreme healing insights because of it. With radical acceptance of what I am and what I can do - I believe there’s hope.
Who?
Who is your modality a good fit for?
It’s harder to say in my case. This is for 2 reasons:
- I do a form of long-term community building (which you could even call global community building…). I am slowly considering to mix it with the more known form of community building.
- I offer a lot of different events.
I think at the basis, I want everyone to be welcome to my events. That is why I have tried things such as promotion on the street (making sure to change location, get other people to join me in promoting, talking to everyone etc.). I also don’t have enough data yet to really know who fits my modality - also because I’m subject to rapid personal change.
I do have some guesses. People who have at least been exposed to some open-mindedness in their lifes, or are open-minded by nature. Deeply traumatized people. Deeply acceptant and happy people. People who feel rejected by society. People with a foot in the spiritual world. People who like fun (for particular events).
How do you find out? Mindfully observing the patterns. Hosting more events and getting more data points.
Do you obsessively serve everybody? No. I offer what I offer and though I do integrate & offer flexibility (which is also growing nowadays) - there is a large portion of the world I can’t currently serve.
How do you know if you are making a difference (for attendees)? Feedback. My feelings. Feelings from others that are shared with me, or felt. The difference manifests in many unforeseen ways.
Under what circumstances would you ban someone from your community / business? What would the process be, that you can stand behind? I’ve never had to until now and currently don’t see the need to use the resources to answer this question. I think this situation could come up very rarely, but I would deal with it specifically. Meditate on it. Confer with others that I trust.
Community relations
Are you ready to be crucified? To have your mistakes put under a microscope? Currently I still feel like I could be crucified a bit more. Not sure what happens after.
Are you ready to be put on a pedestal, only to be destroyed later? I think I’m already okay with being destroyed. Do you have a conscious plan for dealing with mommy and daddy projections? I’ll get to that when it happens…
Do you have a social life outside of the people you want to lead? Boundaries around dating members? What about bringing existing partners into the practice/community? The social life is merging… Not sure yet. I have gotten a girl’s number once by inviting her to my events. And then I gave her a compliment through text which was definetly my ‘dating’ energy. She never responded… I think I don’t exclude it, but I am more careful with it. Usually I make a clear choice for ‘dating’, ‘humble event invite’ or ‘both’, at least for a single interaction / day.
In general, how aware are you of the challenge of multiple relationships? And what tools will you use to find the best way around that? Generally I have been quite good at multiple relationships with people. I think my disassociation helps (not feeling too much attachment I can easily move a partner role into client role into cofacilitator role…)
Feedback
How do I collect feedback? I have a google forms which specifically asks for personal, honest and negative feedback. I express my need for and the importance of feedback to attendees at the end of every event. I email the form to attendees who signed up and try to get it to those who joined spontaneously by QR code or whatsapp messages.
How much critical feedback am I able to handle? So far I haven’t even come close to my edge. I’m rather actively seeking out the critical feedback. But I imagine I have a boundary too - I imagine it would be too much if I receive A LOT of judgements from more than half the people attending my events. I think the extreme humility of my events + me hardly trying to be a ‘welcoming’ host contribute to my capacity for handling critical feedback. I strongly believe in what I do and I don’t necessarily try super hard to make it work in society - I just offer what I offer.