July ‘26

The day started with an almost explosive energy of wanting to get lost. I truly was with the desire and consciously chose to dip it into coziness. There’s so much that emerged yesterday, besides coziness…
I decided to spend 3 hours under the bridge. Hard concrete. I feel safe. Or at least safer. It took me an hour into the thought space to arrive. Get bored, the meta-patterns telling me to go home. Just actually move past them. And I’m there - jumping on rocks, kicking walls. Listening to a song as big boats float by. Not giving in to the impulse to check the time multiple times. It felt powerful. What if I don’t give in to impulses at all…? And what is behind the impulses. They are the subconscious patterns I’m unware of and actually have control over my life. It might not be me living, but just. those. patterns. Time for the meeting. I took a right at a crossroads. Stopped. And went back to the crossroads. Went left. A spark emerged. One of great adventure. Also a lot of caution. In synchronicity they ride. I would have loved the meeting to…. be love. Yeah, mostly that. It instead didn’t move very significant things, although… It seems to always move something. More hours, a sunset, a beach. A single 50second voice message to comfort me. A guy who was too shy to talk sitting on the rocks. Hiding my phone under the rocks in a sock. Climbing on all fours to the edge of the shoreline. Taking a swim and running in circles through the sand to get warm. Am I impressing people with my nakedness? A cat walks through the night. We’re on the same wavelength now. There was no clear intent today. What happens without? I want to feel deeply into nature. I felt some deep feelings, got shaken. Made peace with the silence and the discomfort. But I didn’t find the thriving I was looking for. I might tell myself I’m okay and that I don’t strive to thrive. But I kinda do… and I need to thrive in order to stay motivated for practice. Cause practice is fucking hard. It really is. There’s cold, there’s sand, theres pain. There’s surrender to the universe and not knowing how to do it. I managed a couple of times, which of itself is probably already quite absurd. I could probably be extremely proud of that. But I want it to be continuous. I mean, I want to be different anyhow. Alive. I’m so, not, alive right now. Relatively, yes. I love. But absolutely…. I’m okay with being exactly who I am. For now.

A consult in the forest. Or consult from the forest, rather? I spent 2 hours listening. Mostly to my own thoughts, actually. My listening ability feels blocked. Even the tenderest approach has mild effects. Self-acceptance. I can hardly even feel the sadness over a lost dream. The timebomb is ticking. I guess I’ll have another Libanese wrap.

I long for intimacy. My heart hurts. My eyesight is getting worse and I don’t know how to fix it. I stay optimistic and hopeful, for now. I don’t want to waste time, but if I just spent 4 hours on the practice and I’m still not really feeling the call of the universe, what am I supposed to do? There is love here. But it’s far from obvious. I keep on making a path with pebbles. It’s super inefficient. But every pebble is a serious fucking pebble. I’m kinda proud of it. It’s beautiful.

Listening to God. But God barely speaks to me. And endless surrender with negligible emotional relevance. The surrender saves me from suffering, and the pain. Devote my life for a chance at the unfelt? I currently don’t see a way how. I might be forced into it at some point.

I feel anxious about diving deeper into the practice because my break ends in 5 minutes. I fear that, if I commit the resources now, I will get less result out of it as opposed to staying ignorant now and commiting later. I guess it’s a form of planning my spirituality. Let me feel into the energy of planning my spirituality. I feel some sadness coming up as well as tension in my legs.

More and more dogs are becoming my friends. I see them, partially. A woman told me ‘dat breng je zo mooi’ after I told her I’d prefer to be alone again. Undecisiveness. How do I use my time properly? There’s a challenge right now. I don’t want to infinitely turn towards the silence. Or if I do it, I want to do it properly. Hmuewhueh.

I made a choice not to go directly to Gaasperplas nude beach to meditate. Instead, I meditated for 30 minutes first, in a busy shopping street. I knew that I would be susceptible to sexual energies at the nude beach. So it made sense to me that grounding first and then going there would benefit me more than trying to ground in a more challenging environment. Doing pleasure yoga whilst naked is harder. I often get drawn into performing energies. I also feel the sexual energies from the people around me. Particularly from the men who are gazing, sometimes behind sunglasses. I enjoy their energies, which is part of the challenge…

I wanted to talk to a cute guy / man who sat next to me. I’m sexually interested. But actually approaching the guy with that intent is way too overwhelming for my nervous system. So I’d be half-ass approaching him. Which I do not want. Right now, I’m feeling an upcoming fatigue as I’m trying to write this down. This pattern is just SO. Exhausting.

I guess journalling can be free in the sense that I can journal from the place where I’m at. And I have no expectations for the journalling to be anything in particular. That probably is how I’m going to stay motivated to journal. And how it is going to be fun and transformative.

I do wish that there weren’t so many destructive patterns… that I was a little bit freeer of them… that it was all different.

I guess the absence of a manager / cook allowed us to bond. It felt valuable. I’m getting better at managing my own life. The manager does get tired at times though…

Self-leadership is hard. I definitely don’t have access to it most of the time. But knowing it’s there still feels empowering.

Choosing to not distract myself is also a choice. To consciously allow myself to be distracted seems more human than to abstinate in a rough manner. Even when that roughness is meta-balanced. To continue in a continuous, integral way. To surrender into both the distraction and the discipline to meditate.

I have taken more steps on an infinite field of relationship. It’s given me the ability to open up a gate in the world of darkness. I have not yet approached this gate, but I know I’ll have to eventually. It’s scary. But I only feel scared like a child would. “It’s scary!!!” with also a smile on my face.