This page was last updated on: 10th of June 2026

Vision

I seem to be unable to ‘just be’ with my peripheral visual experience. Focus vision seems to work. I know how it feels from scarce moments - sometimes after a long meditation I can do it for a second or so. But I don’t know how to actively tune into it.

If I try to tune into it…

Trauma curve

I am always feeling a large part of my consciousness drawn to something unpleasant.

I have described it as ‘the trauma curve’, ‘a tension mostly from my upper back to my eye muscles’.

It feels like there is an unnatural arrangement in my body. I imagine it to be a combination of hypertense muscles and the result of not activating/ having activated nerves in certain areas (like my chest fore example) does to the body.

A fysio once told me I wasn’t breathing enough in the chest.

Possible causes that I imagine:

I suppressed my tinnitus heavily. I might have numbed the actual ability to hear / be present with ‘hearing’, in addition to any emotions. A bit like how you would suppress crying in the military or something.

General patterns

I think I disregulated my natural falling asleep mechanism. I currently use a mind trick (watching a youtube video is most effective, but I can also interally simulate the effect of watching a video) to create safety which signals me to fall asleep.
These things are so complex that I really can’t grasp them.
I’ve had insomnia and panic attacks due to the fear of not being able to fall asleep.
My panic attacks are often preceded by a wave of nauseau - the same feeling I got after falling on the floor during the creation of the concussion (which might not have been a concussion…). It is like a circulating of the brain which goes ‘past’ nauseau and then I enter the other dimension. Usually I can still hear in this dimension, although the voices don’t make perfect sense. The vision is pitch black and I don’t know where my body is.
I’ve had about 8 panic attacks or so. There was also one related to being together with Elina while sleeping.